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On a sour note…

I love vinegar. 

Pickled egg whites

No-sugar pickled egg whites

Start here:  How to boil eggs.  

No Added Sugar Pickled Eggs (stevia sweetened)

  • 12 hard-boiled eggs, peeled
  • 1 large empty sterilized glass jar
  • 4 cups vinegar
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 medium onions, chopped
  • 2-4 tsp SteviaPlus® Fiber Powder  (Be sure to check the sugar equivalency charts of your stevia brand.)
  • 1 tablespoon pickling spices
  1. Cut prepared boiled eggs into halves lengthwise, discarding the yolks.
  2. Boil the remaining ingredients together for 5 minutes.
  3. Put everything into your jar, cover tightly and refrigerate for at least 2 weeks (or longer!) for best results.
  4. Taste vinegar occasionally to test the sweetness, adding more if you prefer and letting it sit longer.

Employ enjoy your pickled eggs.

Pickled eggs and onions, seitan, tomatoes, balsamic dressing.

Pickled eggs and onions, seitan, tomatoes, and balsamic dressing with Lemony Lentil Chard Soup.

Pickled egg whites and onions, cucumber, yellow tomato, tunafish, with celery tofu soup (recipe to come!)

Pickled egg whites and onions, cucumber, yellow tomato, tunafish, with celery tofu soup (recipe to come!)

 Modify your pickled eggs.

Red pickled eggs.  (Just add beets.)

Red pickled eggs. (Just add beets.)

 Enjoy some more.

Pickled egg whites, onions, and beets salad with Lemony Lentil Chard Soup.

Pickled egg whites, onions, and beets salad with Lemony Lentil Chard Soup.

More pickled egg whites, onions, and beets with tomatoes salad.

More pickled egg whites, onions, and beets with tomatoes salad.

Are you a sourpuss?

Sometimes the devil makes his attacks so stupidly obvious that I almost stop and laugh.  Now, I’ve been around this block a little bit to see that somebody is really working to get to me.  And yah, it worked at first.  I’ll admit it; the first composition of this post was a complete “Woe is me.”  But through the writing process, I recognized the real cause of my woe, and that is a key to halt rumination.  What’s more, I’ve realized a strength…a wall built by the foundation of protective prayer.  If the devil’s assaults are this apparent and identifiable, he must be running out of ideas, which means my faith in Jesus and my confidence in recovery has been fortified!  No, I won’t let my guard down…but I’m taking this realization as a shock and awe moment with Satan’s statue being toppled. 

A few weekends ago, Nathan and I traveled for the funeral of his grandmother Irene.   Being that it has been quite a time since Nathan and I were amongst his family together (traveling is very anxiety inducing…so I tend to be a homebody), I got a wide range of questions such as “What, no kids yet?” and “When are you having kids?” and of course, “Why don’t you have any children?”  With each bombardment question, Nathan swooped in Harvey Birdman Superman style to answer before I either a. screamed “I can’t have children and probably never will!” or b. was reduced to tears. 

Upon arriving home from the trip, we had a meeting the following day with a bathroom repair guy.  This meddlesome man professional gentleman also found it necessary to be nosy inquire about lack of babies.  The weekend brought bittersweet Halloween, and the countless images of friends’ adorable kids on Facebook, sweet babies in pea pods and teddy bear onesies, firemen hats, and bitty Disney princesses.  Just this morning again, at the grocery store, I saw an old friend who felt it appropriate to yell across the produce section, “No babies yet!!??”  No rescue this time, so b. I turned away with tears welling up in my eyes and then a. screamed said, “I don’t know if that is in God’s plan for me.”     

With the latest piece in my health puzzle, severe overtraining syndrome, I learned that there is a possibility that I may never recover my body systems properly.  So much for hope…

…but no, I won’t hold to that “possibility” and I’ll keep my goals simple and small…first I need to be well and feel well, and maybe when that is sustained, I’ll rehash my dreams of a baby.  Until then, I’ll keep praying/writing/sorting it out to keep and build that wall of faith until Satan can’t even throw his influence over it anymore.  Do I still get sad?  Of course.  But I won’t let that fact be used to derail me. 

And how lucky am I really?  As a photographer I’m able to capture and share the beauties of babyhood for a few hours a time, and then the crying and poopy diapers go home with mom and dad.  Here are a few of my favorite babies…

October End Update

The good news:  My bacterial infection tested as cleared!

The bad news:  I still feel like crap.

Mid October was my follow up appointment for the treatment of the infection.  The results came a week later, and showed that all was well.  Well?  Pain has seemed  to lessen over the past few weeks, although I’ve stayed on the acid blocker until yesterday, and gut ache came back.  My extreme low blood pressure problem doesn’t seem “as bad” as when I was first starting treatment, but it is still quite a bother, and definitely does not add to quality of life.  But still, 90% of the time, I feel like I’ve been run over by a recycle truck full of my empty nut butter jars.  (I had a pretty nice 10% weekend though!) 

The medical doctor hasn’t offered too much, because I haven’t tested as having any “sickness” other than my history of and recovery from anorexia.  So the first message I received from the clinic after expressing that I’m still not feeling well was to seek counseling.  ARGH!  What they don’t understand is that I have been taking care of myself properly for a long time.  I eat well, very healthy, and enough and my exercise is NOT crazy.  But I’m still not recovering.  Seemingly harmless activity seems to push me over the edge into exhaustion.  I basically have chronic fatigue.  Why won’t this get better?   

So I went right back to my natural health doctor for advice and direction.  And he had some insight and a verdict:  I have severe overtraining syndrome.  No matter how much I rest, how much I eat, how much I sleep…my body is constantly in or on the edge of an over trained state.  I’ve beat it up so badly that it may never bounce back.   

When I was a kid, if I made a silly face or stuck my tongue out, my dad would always say, “If you keep that up its going to stick that way forever!”  Well, it seems that the same concept applied to my extreme over exercise (which was a part of my ED).  

The article linked above describes overtraining syndrome as “the name given to the collection of emotional, behavioral, and physical symptoms due to overtraining that has persisted for weeks to months.”  This article further states, “Evidence is accumulating which suggests that once an athlete has experienced the overtraining syndrome for more than a few months he/she may never again be able to return to their former top levels of performance and in the worse cases may remain severely ill for up to and exceeding two years. Currently there are no proven cures for the severe overtraining syndrome.

Reading that is horribly depressing.  I’ve overtrained for more than a few months…try a few years. 

There are two types of overtraining syndrome.  I have the “parasympathetic” version characterized by early on-set or constant fatigue, perilously low basic pulse rate, rapid return of heart rate to basal levels with unfavorable hypotension, hypoglycemia and progressive anemia and digestive disturbances. Other crappy things about this include whacked hormones, low white blood cell count (poor immune function, thus I couldn’t fight the bacterial infection), decreased appetite, weight loss, prolonged muscle soreness and injury, depression, insomnia and sleep issues, amenorrhea, lack of enthusiasm or emotion.  *Raises hand*  None of this is new, but now I guess it has a name. 

And why doesn’t the medical system recognize this?  The first article describes, “Additionally, it is possible to have the overtraining syndrome, but have completely normal physical findings and biochemical tests.”  No, my tests are not all “normal,” but they aren’t abnormal enough to warrant a “disease,” so I get brushed aside. 

So what do I do?  Stay the course…keep exercise very light, which means yoga and low intensity cardio.  I’m still working on the cardio thing a little, I’ll admit.  My other option is to do hormone testing and start a natural hormone therapy.  My natural wellness doctor explained that his method of hormone therapy is very light, gentle, and applied only after extensive testing to ensure the proper amounts and types.  The hormones given are plant based and they match the levels in the human body…unlike the general medical system which uses horse pee with enormous levels of hormones as therapy.  Anyways, I’m still considering the options, but hormone therapy would probably speed my progress and help me feel better.  As I fully own the responsibility for over stressing my body into this state, I need to be kind to myself with forgiveness and positivity to stay on the right course. 

After my good weekend, I crashed again on yesterday.  And then I got this “diagnosis,” and depression is trying hard to set in.  I’m sad, scared, disheartened.  No, I don’t think this is irreversible.  But it is going to be so long, and I’ve already lost so much time… maybe I’ll write more on that later, but I’m not going to let it ruminate for now.  I’m trying to focus on the positive- I have an explanation and a piece of my puzzle that I can tangibly work on.  And I guess it is comforting to have a name to the “face” that is my affliction. 

In other bad news, Nathan is injured with a torn supraspinatus and teres minor (rotator cuff) and is out of yoga commission for awhile.  That means no hot yoga relationship recovery that I’d was so excited to continue from the great weekend.  I hate hearing about the painful therapy he has to do to fix it, but he seems positive it will heal quickly.

It’s not all bad.  Like I said, the bacterial infection is gone.  Also, my back is feeling really good, since I’ve been being extra gentle with it.  And also…pumpkin pie omelet.

pumpkin omelette 003

4 egg whites, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger stevia, vanilla...filled with fresh spiced pumpkin puree. I'm thinking add some mozz next time...

Good weekend.

Yes!  I got SO MUCH work done this weekend.  After an awesome portrait session with one of my fave fams on Thursday, I hunkered down to work.  In between processing portraits and wedding images, designing holiday cards, and mass amounts of business busy work and organizing…I made some yums and did some yoga.

Last week I baked a fairytale pumpkin and ended up with a HUGE amount of wonderful fresh pumpkin puree.  Aside from pumpkin poached egg whites, pumpkin oats, pumpkin smoothies, pumpkin toast, and plain pumpkin on a spoon…I made a few soups.  Pictured below is Spicy Pumpkin Miso Soup.  Finally a recipe with miso that I don’t dislike!  I have never really liked miso, but this was GOOD.  Soup not pictured, Pumpkin Almond Soup, aka Pumpkin Pie Soup.

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Spicy Miso Pumpkin Soup

I’ve still got loads of pumpkin left and hope to try Elana’s Pumpkin Cinnamon Cheesecake soon.

How about some pork?  Chopped lean maple apple pork sausage by Bilinski’s, steamed brussels sprouts, cranberries, mushrooms, onions, thyme, and a dash of maple extract for extra mapleyness…topped with mozz.  I also had another version with Dijon mustard stirred in, but prefer without.  2nd pork meal is the sausage sauted with apple and mushroom, thyme, salt, pepper, bla bla bla.   

maple sausage and sprouts 002

Fruit, veggie, sausage hash with mozz.

maple sausage and apples

Sausage apple 'shroom hash.

Here’s a healthy one.  Egg whites, homemade applesauce, mozzarella omelette.

applesauce mozz omlette 004

Applesauce mozzarella omelette

Friday I had a hot date.  Nathan finally came with me to hot yoga!  We did “Twilight Flow,” in the dark lit by only candles.  It was awesome!  Nathan enjoyed it so much that we went back tonight for a 75 minute advanced flow.  It was exactly what I needed after working at my desk for many hours today.  We hit up groceries after. 

Nathan loved hot yoga.  I knew he was hooked when, dripping with sweat and looking half drunk coming out of class, he remarked in all seriousness, “I feel so clean.”  DETOX BABY!  I’m over the moon excited that we will share this as a couple.  ED has ripped us apart and it has been difficult to come back together finding real enjoyment.  This could be valuable for our relationship recovery.  I’m still feeling very much as going to this yoga studio is important for me.  The flows, the heat, the experience is always very calming and balancing and positive, and each time I do yoga there I feel renewed in my journey of health, mental and physical. 

One more word on yoga…some GRATITUDE offered to HEAB for her Halloween coupon with YogaDownload!  I took advantage and am grateful and excited to try the flows I purchased.  Thanks!  If you haven’t been to YogaDownload yet, go check out some of their freebies, great stuff. 

Oh, was it Halloween?  We had a few trickers, but I mostly celebrated EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP DAY.  Nathan carved a jack(son)-o-lantern though…

this is it jack

Thriller!

How was your weekend?

For your belly warming enjoyment…click the image for recipe.
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Gingered Acorn Squash Soup

chicken noodle soup for 2 007

Lowfat Chicken Noodle Soup

curried zucchini and apple soup 003

Curried Apple Zucchini Soup

beet fennel soup 001

Beet Fennel Soup

asian chicken noodle soup 003

Asian Chicken Noodle Soup

artichoke soup for one 003

Simple Artichoke Soup

apple fennel soup 002

Apple Fennel Soup

mushroom barley soup 007

Mushroom Barley Soup

My previous post about rumination offered a few “scratch the surface” solutions to immediate and maybe longer term rumination eradication.  One healing factor I failed to mention (because it needed a more in depth look) was forgiveness.  It is often said and written that forgiveness brings the most healing to the forgiver.  See this article in Yoga Journal or this piece by Beverly Keaton Smith for example.  As a Christian, I believe this is absolutely accurate, and that God gave us the ultimate example of peace and forgiveness to follow. 

Forgiveness, like the other rumination ridding applications, is easier said than done.  But it becomes a heck of a lot easier with God’s example and an understanding of His will and His forgiveness.  To draw an analogy…God has forgiven the sins of the world, and He is the ultimate peaceful being.  Can forgiving bring peace to the human heart in the same parallel?  I think it plays a big part in the heart of the anger/vengeance ruminator.

God wants peace for His children, and His word tells us in 1st Corinthians 14:33:  “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”

In Matthew 11:28, God asks us to take his example to find rest:  “Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

When we come to God, He gives us direction by commanding forgiveness in 1st Peter 3:9:  “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Then in Psalm 119:165, God promises peace to those who follow His commands:  “Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.”

God wants us to have peace, He tells us how, and promises it to us.  Following God’s command to forgive brings peace.  Simple!  Well, there is still the challenge of getting over the blinding mental blockages of anger, but as described in my previous rumination post, it can begin with prayer and meditation, or a positive distraction.

Personally, the ruminations of resentment that I hold can initially be directed toward another person (usually Nathan) but almost always come back to anger and un-forgiveness of myself.  The bitterness I hold toward myself for falling into ED and allowing it to dominate my life, devastate my marriage, my life goals, my hopes, my dreams…the rumination on self hate and un-forgiveness is one of the sick motivations for continuing to damage myself with ED behaviors!  Rumination is destructive to my mental and physical well being, and I need to continue to practice releasing it by keeping my mind and heart on God’s example, command, and promises.  Like in the hierarchy of love, God forgives me, and I need to forgive myself.  And the forgiveness can’t come in the form of reasoning or excusing out of my faults and failures.  It can’t be conditional.  Just like God forgives simply for us repenting and asking for it, (Psalm 86:5: “You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.”) I must do the same for myself that I call on Him for.  Like a warfare prayer, I should forgive specifics as I can articulate them, and then general harmful feelings as they float to the surface to attack me.

Taking the issue back around, this brings me back to rumination.  Is it a two way street here?  If rumination can be quelled through forgiveness, can forgiveness get easier with removal of rumination?  Maybe this is “chicken or egg,” but I don’t think there are any clear lines.  If a forgiver can repress rumination, the “transgression” will start to be forgotten, and forgiveness can fester.  Likewise, if a ruminator is looking for an outlet, a decision into forgiveness should be a likely first step. 

But both need to be continually practiced to reap the benefits.  Kind of like yoga. 

A few ways to start your practice… 

  • Pray for God’s forgiveness:  O loving and kind God, have mercy. Have pity upon me and take away the awful stain of my transgressions. Oh, wash me, cleanse me from this guilt. Let me be pure again. For I admit my shameful deed-it haunts me day and night. It is against you and you alone I sinned and did this terrible thing. You saw it all, and your sentence against me is just. Create in me a new, clean heart, O God, filled with clean thoughts and right desires. Don’t toss me aside, banished forever from your presence. Don’t take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. (Psalm 51:1-12)
  • Ask for God for a forgiving heart:  I ask you now Lord, to give me the power to forgive everyone who has hurt me.  Help me to Forgive (say their name) for (what the circumstance is.)  I have been hurt deeply and I’m struggling through letting go.  I confess this now in Jesus name and I call upon you as my deliverer.  Your word says that whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord will be delivered.  Please grant me the peace that comes with a forgiving heart.
  • Click here for a forgiveness appropriate meditation.    

So I’d like to offer a new phrase to replace the ol’ adage “forgive and forget.”  How about, “forgive and forgo rumination” and/or “freeze rumination and forgive.”

Crab Apple

crab apple 002

Crab Apple

2-3 oz crabmeat, canned
1 large apple
mushrooms, onions, celery, chopped small (optional)
1 T non-fat mayo
1/4 cup reduced fat mozzarella cheese
dash of thyme
salt and pepper, to taste

  1. Cut the top off the apple, and use a grapefruit spoon to scrape out the inside.
  2. Mix together the crabmeat, 1/2 of the cheese, any veggies, mayo, and seasonings.
  3. Stuff the apple.
  4. Wrap the apple in foil, and bake at 400* for 20-30 minutes, until hot and bubbly inside, and apple is softened.
  5. Unwrap the top of the foil and top with remaining cheese and the apple “top.”

crab apple 2 007
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crab apple 003

crab apple 006

Tofu, voila! Just a little (huge, serves 10-12!) batch soup I put together when I was in excess of celery. An addition of potato might make this even smoother. Hold the parmesan for vegetarian.

Creamless Cream of Celery Soup

Creamless Cream of Celery Soup

 Creamless Cream of Celery Soup

1 (12 1/3 ounce) package lite silken firm tofu
2 medium onions, chopped (10 ounces)
6 garlic cloves, minced
1 lb celery, leaves and ribs, chopped (about 8 cups)
8-10 cups fat-free vegetable broth (thickness to your liking)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon hot sauce
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon salt (optional)
parmesan cheese, for serving

  1. Treat a large non-stick stockpot with cooking spray. Heat the garlic and onions over medium heat for 5-7 minutes, until onions begin to soften.
  2. Add celery, broth (reserving 1/4 cup), and bay leaves. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover and simmer 20 minutes.
  3. Meanwhile, puree the tofu in a food processor along with reserved broth. Ensure that the tofu is totally smooth!
  4. Once the celery is softened, remove the bay leaves from the soup, and use an immersion blender (or perform batches to the food processor) to puree the celery and onions.
  5. With the soup on the stovetop over medium low heat, add the smooth tofu, white pepper, hot sauce, and lemon juice. Heat gently before serving.
  6. Top with parmesan cheese and additional hot sauce as you like!

Maggie’s ramen got me craving…

Shirataki noodle ramen

Shirataki noodle ramen

 

Healthy homemade ramen!

Healthy homemade ramen!

Shirataki Tofu Noodle Ramen

1 cup fat-free chicken or fat-free beef broth
1 (8 oz) package Shiritaki Tofu Noodles (either spaghetti or angel hair shape)
1-2 tsp instant chicken or beef bouillon granules
1 T low-sodium soy sauce or Bragg’s Liquid Aminos
¼- ½ tsp garlic powder
¼- ½ tsp onion powder
¼ tsp Chinese 5 spice powder
¼ tsp ground cumin
¼ tsp coriander
¼ tsp sugar or sugar substitute
1 tsp salt, or to taste (optional, so good without!)
1 pinch celery seed
1 pinch ground turmeric (optional, doesn’t add taste, but a good antioxidant)

  1. Rinse tofu noodles under hot water.  Drain and cut noodles in half (into manageable pieces.)   
  2. Mix all seasonings together.  Bring broth to a boil and mix in the seasonings, stirring well until they are dissolved. 
  3. Add soy sauce and tofu noodles and simmer until heated through. 
  4. If you wish, stir in some chopped green onions, or some cooked meat or veggies!  My bowl here contained chopped scallions, mushrooms, and egg whites. 

My version of the squash butter fad…Acorn Squash Apple Butter.  This is SO good.  On toast, eggs, oats, everything.

Acorn squash apple butter

Acorn squash apple butter

 

Toast

Toast

 Roasted Brussels Sprouts and Cranberries from Healthy.Delicious.

Roasted Brussels and Berries

Roasted Brussels and Berries

Baked Lentil Munchies for Nathan’s fiber fix.

Baked Lentil Munchies

Baked Lentil Munchies

Yogurt giveaway…be sure to swing over to Banana and Chocolate where Lindsay is hosting a Chobani Yogurt giveaway!

Irene Jennie Grabow, born March 6, 1930, passed October 22, 2009.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” –Psalm 73:26

Irene Grabow

Irene Grabow

Grandma Irene is Nathan’s grandmother on his mom’s side, his last grandparent to pass.  She went quietly in the night after a short battle with pneumonia, and a long struggle with Parkinson’s.  

Grandma Irene lived a long life, loving and fearing God, raising 8 children, gardening, cooking, working, and serving the tough job as the backbone of her large family.  She loved her cats, cardinals, Polish food, and vacuuming.  Yes, vacuuming.  Grandma Irene had an infectious laugh, and animals brought her a great deal of joy.   She was a tease, and she always showed Nathan love by picking on him.  Her actions and her life boasted her giving and loving heart, however verbal expressions of love weren’t a comfortable thing for Grandma Irene.  But later in life she began to express her love in words as we did towards her, and it was a special day when we first heard “I love you too” at the end of our phone call.  She will be missed, and we are thankful that she passed in faith and the sureness of her salvation through Christ.  See you again Grandma Irene!

After a mild heat summer, and an early cool, mom and I ended up with a load of green tomatoes.  How about more salsa?

With great pride, I present Green Tomato Salsa.  Declared by my brother-in-law Adam as, “the best salsa I’ve ever had.”  This compliment is forever in my treasure box, as this guy grew up on homemade canned salsa from the family garden all his life.  So if he says its good, you know it is!  Adam and Nathan helped a load with the chopping and clean-up when we made this.  Thanks guys! 

Cooking down.

Cooking down.

 

Drippy chip.

Drippy chip.

Green Tomato Salsa

5 lbs green tomatoes, chopped small (as you prefer for salsa)
6 yellow onions, chopped (4 cups)
3 jalapenos, chopped with seeds (1/2 cup)
4 large red bell peppers, chopped (2 cups)
6 garlic cloves, minced
1 cup fresh cilantro, chopped
1 cup lime juice
1/2 cup vinegar
1 tablespoon salt
1/2 tablespoon cumin
1 tablespoon dried oregano leaves
2 teaspoons pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne (optional, to taste)
1-2 teaspoon sugar

  1. Combine everything in a large pot, mixing well. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to simmer, and cook for 30-40 minutes, stirring occasionally. 
  2. To continue canning, bring salsa to a boil.
  3. Ladle salsa into hot sterile jars, leaving 1/2 inch headspace. Wipe lids and jar edges clean before finger tightening lids and placing them back in the boiling canning pot.
  4. Process (boil) jars for 15 minutes.
  5. Remove carefully and let sit for 24 hours. Check lids for seal, and refrigerate any unsealed jars.
Back away from the salsa.

Back away from the salsa.

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