Sticks and Stones

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!”  Along with “I’m rubber you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you…” this phrase was one heard on the playgrounds of my childhood.  It is truly a simplified and beautiful mantra of taking responsibility for one’s own feelings in spite of “outside factors.”  (A.K.A. meanies!)

For me, and I’m sure for many suffering with an eating disorder or another mental stronghold, ED utilized anything in my environment against me…including other people’s words.  I know I am ultimately responsible for how I react and have reacted to these forces, but there is a level of struggle that occurs in a depleted body…and that is a greatly depleted mind.  It has been widely studied and shown (and this is part of where sufferers feel they become “possessed” with an ED demon) that lack of nourishment to the brain results in poor thinking, inability to make the right choices, or any choice at all.  The brain may physically shrink.  “Too little glucose (found in carbohydrates) can cause the brain to slow down, shrink, and cause a lack of memory. The brain is an organ just like all the organs in the body, so without energy (carbs), it cannot run, and eventually without carbohydrates or any calories in the body, the functioning of the brain will slow so severely that it can cause seizures and strokes.”  (Source)  “Although retardation of thought is temporary, due to lack of fuel to keep the brain functioning well, actual brain shrinkage, due to prolonged starvation, is not. Studies show a drop in actual IQ, which does not always return once the woman gets well.”  (Source)  The point is, for the simple reason of this “temporary thought retardation,” an eating disorder patient may have a much harder time being the “rubber” of our children’s rhyme.  I’m not an excuse maker, but I am a reasoner.  There is an actual physical “reason”, if you will, for an eating disorder sufferer’s extreme sensitivity to people’s words and actions.

And I fully believe in the “demon” analysis.  ED will easily twist words to facilitate hurting the victim.  Even words spoken in love or caring.

So I’ve compiled a list of things that were said or done to me NOT out of ill will, but that ED used against me.  Just as any “normal” person probably can’t understand why these statements would be a big deal, an ED victim may not understand how someone could actually say things like this to them.  So I just ask that readers keep an open and un-judgmental heart…rather than rolling the eyes at the seemingly “thin skinned” feelings that are described following.  As illustrated above, there are real physical and psychological reasons for the hypersensitivity.  (I am over explaining in hopes of shielding my own self from judgment!  It is pretty embarrassing and disgraceful for me to publicize my reactions and thought processes, but I hope someone might be able to recognize what their ED might be causing them to destructively react to, and I also hope for a victim’s loved ones to think about being extra cautious with words during a recovery struggle.)  

• “You just need to stop thinking about yourself.”

This is wrong because while eating disorders are very selfish, this only shames the sufferer, who may not be a selfish person. In fact, that victim may be so giving and unselfish, that ED may use that personality trait at the expense of sufferers own well-being. It is a common misconception that people who suffer from eating disorders are simply vain. Again, this is a personality trait that may or may not be present in a victim, but probably isn’t the cause of their disorder. Vanity may be a negative side affect of an eating disorder, and may be one of the tools that ED uses to snare or drown the victim.

I have heard this several times from well-meaning loved ones.  I understand the overall picture, and I was recently gently chided by my counselor for being overly analytical.  So this phrase coming from someone who hasn’t had an eating disorder is very understandable.  But for me personally, NOT thinking about it is very unsafe.  There has to be a constant conscious awareness to continue recovery.  Wise words from my husband…  “It is a selfish disorder that requires a selfish recovery.”      

• “Just have a baby!”

When given as advice…wrong on so many levels, not only for the sufferer but for the baby to be had! This has been said to me several times in the same reference as the phrase above. (“Then you won’t think about yourself so much…“) Personally, I cannot physically get pregnant or carry a life. Many eating disorder patients suffer from amenorrhea. So this phrase only reminds the sufferer of the depressing fact that their own body is so broken that they couldn’t possibly support another life. In addition to the physical support that a baby would need, how about the healthy emotional and psychological support that raising a child would require? In the throes of my own eating disorder, and through recovery, I certainly wouldn’t deem myself stable enough to support a growing mind in a healthy way. And given that I have a strong and close history of horribly mismanaging my stress, I couldn’t fathom how I would handle the anxiety of having a baby or raising a child. I can’t speak for any other patients or their mindsets, of course, but for me it has been such a ridiculous suggestion and a sad reminder.

• “Oh my gosh you’ve gained weight!”

Do I even need to elaborate? Even if it is the goal, we still don’t want to hear this.

• “Oh my gosh, you’ve lost weight!”

Thanks, remind me of my immediate failure. Or even more horrifying, telling me “good job.” I understand that the goal of society is to lose weight. You see it in every media form. Those of us who are apparently not part of “society,” have different goals. Please don’t make assumptions that everyone is trying to “drop a few.”

• “Aren’t you a little old to have an eating disorder? I thought that was just for teens.”

I’m losing count of how many doctors have said this to me. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was an age limit. I believe that this “stigma” is one of the reasons so many “older” victims suffer in silence. In the immediate, this statement is destructive because it causes the victim to question the validity of their problem. “Oh, I guess it really isn’t an eating disorder…it’s probably just stress. I’ll pull out of it. It’s not that bad.” Then they fail to get the proper treatment because they are convinced they don’t have a problem. In addition, this assumption continues the pattern of shame that keeps victims stifled. “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you just be an adult? Grow up!” I know more women my age and beyond that are suffering from eating disorders than I do teens. They suffer long and quietly. It is a circle of destruction…silent because of the stigma, and the stigma because of the silence. So nobody really understands how many women are dealing with this to various degrees.

• “You don’t look like an anorexic.”

What, I’m not skinny enough?  I’ll get right to work on that.  Thanks in part to today’s media, eating disorders look like runway models.  The reality is (am I repeating myself?) that eating disorders come in many shapes and sizes and persons and manifestations.   Eating disorders embody a terrible amount of mental suffering.  Don’t judge an eating disorder by its physical cover.      

• “I’m trying to lose weight too. [Insert various related comment such as asking for diet advice, complaining about not losing, discussing diet tips.]”

The first doctor I ever saw for eating disorder related health issues had a glorious nurse, who after listening to me ashamedly talk about my struggle and why I was seeing the doctor, proceeded to complain to me about how she was trying to lose weight and all about her diet woes. Then she asked for diet advice. Wow.

• “What’s the big deal? Aren’t you just hungry? How can not eating really hurt that much?”

Every eating disorder is different. There are many manifestations, and I couldn’t begin to cover them all. Most have heard of anorexia and bulimia. Inside of those there may be levels of purging, binging, and/or over-exercise. And as every eating disorder is different, every person and every body is different, and every level of physical pain or manifestation will be different. For me personally, my struggle has been with anorexia, orthorexia, and extreme over-exercise. Simply put, starving + over-exercise = damaged body. Long term, a great toll is taken on the body. With amenorrhea comes hormone imbalances which, among other things, causes low energy, bone loss, and early osteoporosis. A depleted body eventually becomes susceptible to injuries that fail to heal as the disorder continues. Many victims suffer from ongoing gastrointestinal problems. There is a great toll taken on the digestive system in the throes of eating disorders, and eventually the digestive system might shut down in order to facilitate keeping the body’s energy focused on simply pumping the heart. It isn’t an easy thing to “turn it back on.” Low body fat results in generally feeling like crap. Joints are pained due to lack of padding, sciatica and other pains result because nerves are not supported or surrounded by enough cushion. Basically, the bones and nerves become raw. And we’re tired. Exhausted. Drained. Obviously for lack of food energy, maybe due to lack of sleep and or over-exercise. (You may see us over-exercisers on that treadmill or out running or doing fitness class after fitness class…it looks like we have endless energy! We may be caffeinated, we are extremely addicted to endorphins, and we have enormous willpower. Unfortunately that willpower is like that of a race horse in the Kentucky Derby with ED as the jockey.)

I could really go on and on here…but the point is it hurts.  And yes, we are hungry.  And we think about food NON STOP.  And we want someone to understand and, almost appreciate how much it hurts and how hard we work at it.  Sick, I know.  That is why it is called an illness.                                

Personally, this point of “needing appreciation” hits me in the center of my struggle.  I have a strong want for people to know and see that I am a hard working person.  The “hard work” bug was ingrained in me from childhood… a strong attribute and mindset from my wonderful father.  But I also inherited his qualities of “all or nothing,” obsession, and addiction.  I am a small business owner, I make my own hours, I work from my home, and I am an artist.  I don’t go out and work a 9-5 where people SEE me working.  Sure, the fruits of my labors are visible, but most people don’t know the level of work I actually do.  The artist thing alone I feel carries another “stigma.”  Don’t artists just flit around being ‘inspired’ whenever they feel like it and read and sleep and be moody?  How many times have I heard, “Oh it must be nice to not work.”  Huh?  Just because I don’t work for someone else, doesn’t mean I don’t work hard.  I suppose it is the same thing many stay at home mothers hear and feel. 

I know that part of my ED manifested as a result of needing to show some suffering and pain in my life…because life and work “shouldn’t be enjoyed.”  There is a great guilt for me associated with living a life of work that I love and enjoy, so to counter the guilt or repent if you will-by suffering with ED.  I grew up in a family where going to a job sucked.  The people were losers and the boss was a jerk, etc.  I love what I do.  I love taking portraits, I love my clients.  I love teaching yoga, and I love my students.  So it’s not really “work” then, right?  So I made up some “unpleasant” work for myself with ED.

Oh snap, this is what my counselor chided me about…

• “I’m so fat! I’ve got to lose weight. I hate my fat [insert body part here.]”

If you know someone is struggling with an eating disorder, maybe a poor body image isn’t the best example to set. There are times and places to talk about these feelings! But maybe not to someone who is younger and more impressionable than you, or maybe not to someone who looks to you as a role model. Probably not to a class full of fitness students that you are leading. And definitely not with the friend who has an eating disorder.

• “Oh I had an eating disorder once too. You’ll grow out of it.”

I guess that could be encouraging? But slightly diminishing and trivializing. It isn’t a hang nail.

• “I had an eating disorder once too. I weighed [insert number] and only ate [insert number or description].”

ED loves to compare, contrast, COMPETE. Please don’t feed the wild EDs. I love it when others share their stories with me…victories, similarities, recoveries, setbacks. But not in a competitive manner. Every victims ED wants to be the WORST. Keeping that in mind, if you have recovered from an eating disorder, and you are sharing with another sufferer, please try to remember how it feels.

• “I think XXXX calories would be fine for you. An ideal weight for you would be XXX. You should exercise X times a week.”

Don’t ever tell anyone, especially an eating disorder patient what to eat or what they should weigh. You are not a doctor, and even if you are, shut up until you KNOW the patient. Magazines need to stop publishing diets. How could anyone tell a person or group of people that eating a certain amount is “fine” without knowing each individual persons metabolic rate, activity level, various health concerns, digestive function, etc?

Through recovery (and I can’t say for beyond since I’m not there yet…) victims may need take in a much higher level of calories to recuperate the body and mind, and metabolism.  Since food may already be a source of shame, taking in more of it and then being compared to the “norm” just piles the humiliation on.  “I’m such a pig– I eat so much more than everyone else.“  In addition, the magazines that show diets of XXXX calories are in my experience WAY lower than any recoverer should be aiming for.  (For that matter, in my opinion, most  “fitness” magazines have diets that are generally to low in intake for a active fitness enthusiast to begin with.)  Being told by an uninformed source to eat this or that amount is dangerous because it puts the victim in a category of abnormal.  We just want to be normal…so eating the “typical diets” that the media publishes will get us to that normality!  Right?

ED sits and waits for triggers like this.  I had a doctor tell me to eat a certain amount once.  I HAVE ANOREXIA and he (unknowingly) suggested an intake lower than what I was currently eating!  “Well if the doctor said it, it must be right!“  My ED loves numbers and I’ve been thrown many times by people spouting numbers at me, so I’m a little sensitive on it.  The good news for me is I’ve come to a place in recovery where I’m totally aware of this and being bombarded with numbers doesn’t affect me so much.  But there was a time when it did, and I feel and fear for all the sufferers in the misery of these afflictions that can’t control their thoughts on this issue and fail to recognize ED’s usage of it.   

• “You look great.”

I hate to even say anything about this. It’s just something people say…when you look awful and they want to be nice. When I was mentally really struggling, I took this as, “Well if I look so great now, then I better not gain weight or I’ll look NOT great.” SICK! Again, that is why it is an illness. Big-time twisting by ED.

• “You couldn’t possibly eat less or lose more weight!”

ED loves a challenge. Stubborn bastard.

So, to the ED victims out there, recovered or recovering…what have you heard that has thrown you for a loop?  Has ED distorted someone’s seemingly concerned advice or guidance?

What about our supporting cast…have you said something out of love that could be twisted by ED?  Have you said something destructive out of frustration toward ED or a victim?  Are you annoyed by anything I wrote here or rolling your eyes?  BE HONEST!  (But not too honest, because I’m sensitive.)