Things had been going really well with my tummy until Thursday, when it decided to stop functioning.  Staying positive and expecting it to remedy soon, I managed to enjoy Christmas Eve day.  Christmas Eve night I was awake most of the night with a headache.  Christmas Day was a great time with my family, I truly enjoyed it.  But it was a positivity battle because my “expectations of a remedy” were not met and I felt like this:  

Not eliminating is a huge source of anxiety and distress, often pain, and always uncomfortability.  I’m in a great place mentally- practicing patience and positivity, flipping negatives, breathing through anger, but my body is so fricking miserable.  I haven’t made any progress in my diet, and I feel like I’m starting to give up.  The past 4 days have been increasingly more difficult.  Each day I keep trying to put food in when nothing has come out.  Each day I can eat less and less.  My appetite is nothing.  I am trying to eat but there is NO ROOM.  How is this supposed to work?!  I’m doing everything right.  Eating very healthy, lots of fiber, tons of water, all my vitamins and herbs and enzymes and magnesium drinks and staying relaxed and doing gentle yoga and not over cardio and resting and sleeping as best I can.  Each day I’m more tired and more uncomfortable and more sick feeling and looking.  And the icing on the gluten-free cake is a headcold I started feeling on Christmas night.  Blah.  I don’t know what to do.  Eat or don’t eat, either way I feel like CRAP.  Pun intended!  

The good news is, I don’t have terrible pains from any of this.  Just really really really, (did I say really?) uncomfortable.   The pain factor has been dulling over the last few weeks!  I wonder if this has something to do with going gluten-free?  Maybe it really was that hard to digest.  When days (weeks) like this occurs, I try to think of it as an active practice of the you are not your body mantra.  It takes a lot of effort to separate my attitude from my physical crap, but I’m working on it.  

MONDAY UPDATE:  I guess I spoke to soon on the pain thing, but it was expected after that bout of constipation.  After finally “flowing” this AM, I ate gentle foods for breakfast and went on with my morning.  Right before lunch I had a massive pain attack.  This was comparable to my ER visit in August.  After an hour of writhing and breathing and rolling on the floor and trying to eat some broth, it has abated.  Hopefully that will it and I can get back to normally scheduled recovery!

At least the food tastes good going in, even if it does sit there and rot for 12 days of Christmas.  

Sweet and sour shrimp and veggies with oranges. I used rice vinegar and sugar free ketchup for the sauce.

Self explanatory.

Egg white, cardamom applesauce, and a rice cake in almond milk.

Chocolate zucchini oat bran, must top with PB and Company Dark Chocolate Dreams.

Christmas breakfast! Egg whites, green melon, pom seeds (I picked them off, tried but still don't like.)

Christmas ramen.

More Christmasy colors! Roasted broccoli and red pepper with basil and garlic.

Sockeye salmon coated with honey mustard, garlic, lemon juice, basil. 375* for about 12 minutes.

Shiitake mushrooms stir fried with shallots, garlic, fresh spinach, and Bragg's Liquid Aminos.

The following soup was adapted from a recipe I found on ‘Zaar.  I found organic gluten-free oat groats from Whole Grain Milling Co. and was so excited to try them!  I’ve never had oats in a soup or dish other than…hot cereal, so this was an adventure that I enjoyed a great deal and will springboard from.  This soup tasted like springtime, and I would love to try a version with fresh asparagus and maybe a hint of lemon.  Possible next adventure: Groaty Dick Pudding.   

Chicken and Oat Groat Soup

Chicken and Oat Groat Soup 

2 1/2 cups water
1 cup whole oat groats (160 g)
1 1/2 cups onions, chopped (9 oz)
1 1/2 cup celery, chopped (8 oz)
1 cup carrot, chopped (6 oz)
2 medium zucchini, diced (10 oz)
3 garlic cloves, minced
8 cups chicken broth
1 lbs boneless skinless chicken breasts, diced
2 teaspoons dried thyme
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 (14 1/2 ounce) can diced tomatoes, undrained
1 cup frozen peas
1/3 cup fresh basil, chopped 

1. Combine water and oat groats in a large sauce pan.  Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for about a half hour, until groats begin to soften.  Careful not to overcook!  Remove from heat, do not drain.
2. Spray a large non-stick soup pot with cooking spray.  Over medium heat, cook chicken breast until no longer pink on the outside. 
3. Add garlic, carrots, celery, and onions.  Sauté for 8-10 minutes.
4. Add zucchini, sauté 2 minutes. 
5. Add broth, tomatoes, thyme, salt, and oat groats in their water.  Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer 10-15 minutes.
6. Add peas and basil.  Simmer another 8 minutes.  Serves 8-10. 

Beth of Kitchen Courage was the awesome winner of my second positivity giveaway.  As I got to know Beth better through her blog and email correspondence, I stumbled upon my newest (as of yet only in my daydreams) obsession: hooping.

Beth is a hooper!  Since I watched her videos and surfed to various hooping community websites, I can’t get enough.  Every song that comes on the radio, I imagine myself hooping to it.  I daydream that I’m in a field of daisies hooping with butterflies and sunshine and Simon and Garfunkle.  I’m hooping in my garage to NIN.  I’m hooping at my gym in the studio to Beyonce.  I’m hooping (in my head) everywhere!  I need a hoop, badly.  Hey Beth, any advice on where to get a hoop and what size?  I’m just over 5′8″ tall.

And with my first view of a hooping video, I knew the perfect hooping song.  Beth has hooped this dream into fruition for me.  Beth, I hoop love you!  Thank you for this video, I was in tears of joy over your thoughtfulness, and my excitement at the possibility of my own hooping someday.

Be sure to stop by Kitchen Courage for some inspiration in hooping, kitchening, ED fighting, and Jesus!

I hate to admit it, but I’ve been ruminating, and it isn’t on something positive.  I have a bit of a guilt complex, and the holiday season usually kicks it up a notch.  My guilt issue often stems not from a wrongdoing, a sinful action, an offense, or a crime.  It is strongly based around how privileged and blessed I am.  You see, in a world of “haves” and “have-nots,” I am definitely a have.  I am fortunate, comfortable, and taken care of.  My husband has worked very hard, starting and running his own business since he was in high school.  He got into a lucrative market at the right time, and his output is top notch.  I’m certainly not the bread-winner, but I also work very hard at my photography business and my yoga classes and training.  So, we are quite comfortable, especially for our age.  And while Nathan doesn’t trip twice over any guilty feelings for what God has given us, I seem to get sucked into an “ashamedly affluent” feeling.

When I come home from being out in the cold and flick on my gas fireplace, it isn’t long before the guilt trip sets in, knowing that there are people out there who live outside in the freezing cold.  Standing it line at the grocery store, my cart filled with $3 cartons of almond milk, organic pre-washed baby lettuces, local organic bacon, and Yogi teas, I can’t help but notice the little old lady in the other checkout lane scrounging for her last coins to buy a loaf of bread.  As I pull my Lexus hybrid into a parking spot downtown (to go into the organic natural food store for more $3 cartons of almond milk), the guy in the space next to me is struggling to get his beater started, and what’s more, his window is stuck half open and it is 13 degrees outside.  And he has no gloves.  But do I sell my house, my car, my mittens, and eat $0.13 bags of ramen on the street corner to “atone” for my own prosperity?  No.  So what do I do?  Well, I feel even more guilty, and ED starts nosing in.   

So feeling guilty this past week, I kept ruminating on it until I came to the realization that I have nothing to atone for.  It isn’t like I have acquired fortune through some dishonest or evil means.  I have not lied, cheated, stolen, reduced my morals, or cheapened my integrity for any gain.  Like I said, my husband has worked his arse off building his business.  And neither would I deem us “lucky.”  We haven’t made “gambles.”  What I do conclude though is that we have been blessed enormously by God and there is nothing wrong with that.  He gave us the talents, gifts, and the “ins” to move our business ventures forward.     

So, realizing that I am feeling badly for…no reason, I wondered where had this complex come from?  Someone has been putting this guilt in my mind to drive me farther from peace.  Someone has been using this un-warranted shame to coerce me into self punishment (via ED).  Someone has been working to take me farther from the God he is afraid of.  Someone that knows the kind of force that I can and will be for Jesus.  Someone who is scared of that fact and has spun in circles trying to keep me from my true power in Christ!

Someone who has been found out and is now running scared. 

While in full rumination, I came across this article by Ron Dart.  Reading Dart’s piece clarified my feelings about this guilt.  He begins by asking the question, “Why feel guilty about being well off unless you stole it?”  Using examples drawn from the Bible, Dart interprets the difference between guilt and gratitude.  Those who know God, recognizing that “every good and perfect gift is from above,” have the capacity to be GRATEFUL to God.  Should anyone feel bad for being given a gift out of pure unconditional love?  Does God want us to feel guilty or bad for receiving his gift of salvation?  No!

Dart also goes on to explain that not only are we not to feel guilty, but we also ought not to feel proud of what we have been blessed with.  For we know that the only path to heaven is through the acceptance of Jesus Christ as the GIFT of salvation.  James 1:9 says, “Prosperity is as short-lived as a wildflower, so don’t ever count on it.”  Though the comforts and fortunes of this earth are a gift from God to enjoy and share now, they will fade away, so hoping on material things is fruitless.   

So we don’t feel guilty, we don’t feel proud…what do we do?  Dart says we go to work.  In my life, this means living out the commands of Jesus by sharing the message.  It means practicing karma yoga as opportunities are offered to do so, and if appropriate, it means creating those opportunities.   

There is still another aspect of this issue, and that is the guilt I feel based on how I believe other people perceive me.  And I’d like to take the following paragraph to point out a few misconceptions.  I often hear, “Oh it must be nice!  I wish I had your life!” regarding the fact that Nathan and I are both self employed.  Yes, it is true, there are many benefits to making our own schedules!  But consider the fact that we never leave our jobs.  It is much more difficult to find repose in the home when work is always in your face.  Just because I work at my desk and studio in my home doesn’t make Monday magically less “Monday-ish.”  And just because I don’t go to a on-site job “9-5” doesn’t mean I’m living on the Big Rock Candy Mountain skipping through the cotton candy fields all day long.  People will remark about my car, “Oh must be rough to pimp around in a Lexus.”  Well, first, I don’t “pimp around” (unless of course I happen to have Regulators in the CD changer), and yah, it is a great car—cars are one of my husbands major hobbies.  But I guess I take a little offense at the attitude in remarks like this, because it sounds as if people want me to feel bad for the belongings I have and for enjoying them.  Why?        

I know this has been used against me by that certain someone in the throes of my disordered thinking.  I remember one time walking out of the gym and someone saying, “Must be nice to be at the gym all the time!”  And as I got into my pimp car I cried and cried.  I was at the gym over-exercising myself into oblivion.  I was in pain physically and emotionally in turmoil.  No, it isn’t nice to be at the gym all the time.  And now I felt guilty because someone thought my life was SO easy and I had it all!  Well I had it all but I hated it all.  And to rectify the “sin” of having it all, I punished myself through ED.  And now, here I am with severe overtraining syndrome, a destroyed digestive system, a still recovering sprained back, and 5 years of my life that I want to block out of my memory.  It is so easy to judge others based on what we “see.”  But the old adage rings so true, “Never judge a book by its cover.”  Or rather, “Never judge an almond milk buying gym rat by her Lexus.” 

Ok sorry, I’m totally getting upset.  But this is how that monster the Devil uses this kind of stuff.  Now I’m strong enough to recognize and release. 

Through this I’ve learned that I do not have to answer to anyone in this world (even though I guess I just did in the previous paragraphs).  I only have to answer to God and my own conscience.  Only God knows my heart, and impure as it is, He still loves me and knows the efforts I make.  Receiving God’s blessings is not a sin.  Squandering and coveting the comforts and riches of this world, or using the blessings God gives incorrectly is.  I am by NO means innocent of the latter!  But that is between me and God.  I will no longer self-punish for the sake of rectifying my relationship with society or my relationship with my ego. 

One thing I never want to be found guilty of is guilt giving.  Observing karma yoga means practicing service to God by serving His people.  With my sins removed by Christ, why would I ever need to “guilt give” to God?  Serving and giving because I love God and I love people is the intention.  It has been said that guilt giving leads only to resentment and bitterness.  Yuck, who wants that?  Give me some giving JOY!

I know in my heart that I try to practice a life of gratitude for what I have been given.  Perfection?  Not even close.  But I strive to live with integrity.         

“With integrity you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt. With fear and guilt removed you are free to be and do your best.”  — Zig Ziglar

Now that this is all out in the open, I can keep working toward doing and being the best me I can be.  So watch out—my hot ride is gassed up to pimp around town proclaiming The Message and sharing some karma yoga! 

In conclusion, while searching for references, I came across “How to Give Someone a Guilt Trip” on WikiHow—quite horrifying.  But what is even more horrifying is how often I’ve done this to my husband!  (Except for #8, what is that?  LOL!)  PUBLIC APOLOGY!  I’ll definitely work on this. 

And I now present, a pimp gallery.  This is how I roll.

How about you…have you been tripped?

Despite the post title, this weekend was pretty super!  Since Friday, I haven’t had any belly pains.  Yesterday morning I held a food shelf donation based yoga class that turned out to be my biggest class ever- huge success!  (I’ll post more on this after next weekend’s session.)  After yoga, I had a long tea-time with an amazing friend who shared some extremely uplifting personal stories and messages with me.  It was so positive and I felt great the rest of the day.  I met my family to visit Santa, and then tooled around town for some final stocking stuffers.  I spent the rest of the day wrapping presents, mopping and cleaning, reading the New Testament, and helping Nathan hang my new shelves.  They are AWESOME!  This was NOT an easy job.  Turns out, our wall is bowed, and this project took a lot more elbow grease than we expected.  Thanks hon!  Saturday night was a gentle hatha yoga flow to settle my happy heart a little.     

Santa is bringing me LOVE for Christmas.

GG and Rylan, he loves great grandma kisses!

New shelves, patching up the wall.

This week I have decided that I like shrimp.  For years I could not get over the texture.  But after trying it when Nathan and I dined out a few weeks ago, I’ve decided I’m over the texture and I love it!  This was spaghetti squash, Argentina Red Shrimp, black olives, mushrooms, tomatoes, a splash of pasta sauce, basil, garlic, oregano, and an Italian cheese blend.  Dear God in heaven!  

I now love shrimp.

Today, I faced my fears and went snowshoeing.  I know…after my post last weekend about avoiding this, I really dug deep to make the decision to go out today.  I woke up, and the temp was a balmy 21 degrees.  Snow was falling lightly and it was so beautiful and peaceful outside…I was being tugged for sure!  Sundays I usually go to a 75 minute advanced hot yoga class, but I decided I’d to a 120 minute chilly hike instead.  The fact that I was willing to trade hot yoga for snowshoeing made obvious to me that this decision was coming from my spirit, NOT my manic exercise ego.  This was a success in decision making, as I certainly could have done BOTH.  I may do a gentle yoga session later to stretch.  Tomorrow, my usual cardio routine will be unusually light, if at all.  

Before I get to my fail fun, I do have to share an un-fun fail.  My weight hasn’t increased like I’d thought.  In honesty, I had weighed in conditions quite inconsistent with my norm, thus the number was “off.”  Weighing again in consistent conditions, I have not improved.  Sigh.  I guess it is time to increase again.  Bueller?  Bueller?…   

With that said, here is my day.  

Whining FAIL- So cute, if your ears are plugged.

Attempting to drink from the closed side of the cup FAIL.

Lexus FAIL.

New adventure set to begin...

Toilet FAIL- There was hovering involved.

Nathan was there in spirit. Or in pipe.

Off-trail alternate route decision FAIL-possibility?

Foot FAIL.

Off-trail alternate route decision FAIL-confirmation. See the shrubbery? Thorns. All of it. See the hill? Black diamond ski slope. All of it.

SUCCESS! Loud-hockey-game-clapping mittens came in handy for grabbing the thorny bushes as I climbed down the steepest hill ever.

Winter FAIL? Nah. This was so beautiful!

Decision to continue hiking FAIL-possibility?

Bridge FAIL- confirmation. Thank God for yogi balance.

Dog FAIL- 20 minutes of coaxing before he decided to walk the plank.

SUCCESS! Walgreen's (buy one get one free) travel tissues. I used about 23 of them.

Face FAIL.

Deciding whether or not to go to the store looking like this FAIL-possibility?

Sale FAIL- What about a Greek yogurt or a gluten-free corn flakes sale?

SUCCESS! Post snowshoeing foot rub.

SUCCESS! Sunday dinner- delicious turkey, mashed cauliflower, wild rice. (Click for turkey recipe.)

It was a great hike, I had loads of fun, and loads of peace.  This trail (new one for me) was quiet and beautiful and mostly (if you actually stay on the trails…) flat.  The facilities were very nice (despite the frosty potty!)  There were creeks and rivers, a bog, and lots of briars and brambles.  I planned to only hike half, but I still had good energy and ended up doing the whole thing.  So far this evening, my feet are sore and my back is very tight (forgot my orthotics-FAIL.)  But I’m not exhausted or in pain, and I feel quite happy and succesful.  Tomorrow I will reassess my body AND my mind.   

Sunday SUCCESS! 

What were your successes this weekend?

Julia- mindful yogini.

Julia has been practicing yoga for about a year.  She tried yoga, basically, just for the heck of it!  “I was new in the area and just decided to try different classes that the YMCA offered.” she said.  “One evening I came to yoga, liked it, and stayed!”  Gosh I’m glad she did! 

Julia (pronounced YOU-leah) is our very own Russian exchange student turned US citizen, American wife, and YMCA yogini.  I love listening to her speak with her beautiful accent, and her stories of her life and travels are so interesting.  As stated above, Julia came into yoga class on a whim, with no specific goal in mind.  Not knowing what to expect, she came in without stereotypes but did suppose there would be “a lot of stretching and strange poses” and wondered about a spiritual component of yoga as well.  As she continued coming to classes, Julia developed the sense that there was something to the term “yoga practice.”  “I think that once you’ve started practicing yoga, you’re not going to get to the point where you could say:  That’s it, I’ve reached my goal and I don’t need to practice anymore.”  Julia sees yoga as a process where there is always something new to learn about oneself, especially since we are constantly changing beings.  

Julia appreciates the physical benefits of power vinyasa, which is the only style she has practiced at this time.  “A person can get a very good workout without any equipment at all, just using your own body.”  She also noted increased flexibility, which helped her enjoy rock climbing over the summer months.  Recovery time was improved as well.  “I don’t get so sore as much as I used to after an intense workout.” she stated.  

Julia also recognizes the mental impact that yoga has had on her life.  “I’ve become more observant of my own thoughts and feelings.  I believe practicing yoga makes me more patient with myself and other people.”  As Julia has been studying (and now has obtained) her nursing assistant certificate, she learned that stress reducing activities are important, and she immediately thought of yoga.  “That’s what yoga changed in my life.  No matter how many problems I have to deal with and how much I worry about something, I always feel good and relaxed on Monday and Wednesday nights. When practicing yoga I forget about all the bad things in the world and think only about the good ones, or don’t think anything at all except about the poses – maybe that’s just the thing that helps to ‘restart’ me, like a computer.” 

Julia describes “living your yoga” as “a little bit crazy, or at least strange (maybe because I’m Russian)… it sounds like too much yoga!”  I love her candor as she continues, “Thanks to Yoga Journal I know about a million ways of how yoga can be integrated in everything we do. But I’m just not the kind of person to be totally guided by all these recommendations. I don’t plan on buying a bunch of yoga products, or becoming a vegetarian, or driving an electric vehicle.  I don’t practice every day and I don’t speak Sanskrit, and when making my every day decisions I don’t want to be thinking first ‘What would a yogi choose?’ or ‘I have to remember about the yamas and niyamas.’ Though there is a lot I’d like to learn from yoga, and I believe I’m just in the beginning of the way. I don’t live yoga, but yoga is a part of my life.”  I think Julia may not even realize that simply the recognition of all this is actually “living yoga!”  She is on her own path, which is what it’s all about.  Awesome!  (And she does admit recently subscribing to Yoga Journal, hehe!) 

Pigeon pose and twisting poses are among Julia’ faves.  She also likes Tree pose, because it has shown tangible improvement in her practicing.  “It shows how much more balanced I am now than when I first came to yoga class.”  Julia struggles with arm balances and some strength poses, but notes, “I don’t worry about it.  I know I am just beginning and if I keep practicing I’ll get better.  I try to approach these poses being mindful, slow, patient.”  (This girl says she doesn’t live her yoga.  Yah right!) 

Besides being a mindful and modest yogini, Julia enjoys other fitness classes at the YMCA, including Zumba, step, and swimming.  She likes music, books, traveling and tourism, and talking with her family and friends back in Russia.  Julia works as a pilot car driver!  She leads or follows giant “wide load” trucks, often traveling all over the country!  (She sometimes is gone for extended periods and we miss her!)  She loves it.  “It gives me an opportunity to travel as much as I never imagined possible.”  Julia also recently acquired her nursing assistant certificate and will be working at a local clinic.    

Julia in tree pose during summer outdoor yoga.

Teacher’s Take 

I have to admit, I was nervous to engage Julia when she first entered my classes, and it was the fact that she is Russian that made me apprehensive.  It is not always easy to approach new practitioners, but new practitioners from a foreign country with a heavy accent?  Would she understand me if I made pose adjustments?  Would she find my approach unseemly?  Embarrassingly, I probably even did the old “talk louder at the foreigner so she will understand you” trick!  What a dope! 

Thank goodness Julia approached and engaged me.  After a few classes, she stayed and asked me questions about alignment, various movements, and breathing.  These quick encounters told me well enough that Julia was a perfectly understanding, enthusiastic, confident and self-assured yet eager to learn woman.  Julia began to join in the after yoga tea sessions, and we were all delighted to learn more about her.   

Julia’s practice has developed quickly and beautifully.  As I watch her flow, I can see her moving with her prana and taking the options that are right for her on any given day.  She does her own thing, not worrying about the other practices around her.  Each class she seems to find a healthy balance of mind/body austerity.  Julia radiates an aura of peace and composure, which is a very welcome feeling in a class setting.   

I’m thankful that Julia graces us with her atmosphere of strength and serenity, and I always look forward to hearing her stories.

Well not much change this week from last I guess, still plugging along.  One difference is that my stomach is aching and cramping instead of burning.  It hurt so bad Friday I was in tears trying to stumble push my cart through Wal-Mart.  I have no explanation, there is no pattern, ever.  ND says the effects of the gluten-free thing may take a few months to recognize, but still weight gain is what my body needs.  My diet is struggling the past week, mentally and physically.  Despite that, I felt strong enough to step on the scale this morning and it was up a few, although I weighed post-breakfast and a few hours after waking so it wasn’t totally consistent.  I’m trying not to feel totally out of control. 

Nathan and I discussed today the negative effects that my nutritional and protein shakes are having on my tummy.  Although I’ve gotten lots of advice that these types of drinks might help me get in “easy calories,” the drinks are the things that tend to upset my stomach the most.  Drinking these nutritionally dense beverages causes my digestive system to have to work too hard, too fast to process, thus causing tummy freak-outs and totally undermining any nutritional benefit.  Thinking about this further, I’ve never had stomach pain from a bowl of oatmeal or cottage cheese or cereal or peanut butter.  Slow digesting carbs and healthy fats are seemingly gentle and kind to my tummy.  But, although my mouth wouldn’t mind, I really can’t just eat carbs and peanut butter!  Veggies are usually ok, but can cause bloat and upset.  Fruits are quicker digesting and can be irritating, so I try to eat fruits with other stuff.  I guess what I’m whining about saying is that, although I do it every day, I wish I could eat a properly balanced diet without half of the scale being so knowingly pain inducing.           

We had a beautiful and wicked snowstorm mid last week, and friends were posting about cross country skiing and snowshoeing all over Facebook.  I love snowshoeing.  But I hate what it does to my body.  I went out several times last winter, and although I enjoyed it immensely in the moment, the pains the exercise brought later were enough to make me dread the outings.  On top of that, the drive to go out wasn’t based on enjoying the winter outdoors…it was based on EXERCISE OBSESSION.  Now, I’m scared to go out.  I want to go snowshoeing, but I’m scared that it will be bad after, and scared of the unhealthy motives in my head driving me. 

I’m feeling almost as if this is a GOOD feeling though.  Instead of the being ruled by the “over-exerciser” that typically pushes me into fitness or activity regardless of the negative mental and physical effects, I am terrified into caution.  I don’t want to go back to that bad place!  I’m scared stiff that I’d have a hard time recovering physically from an outing, and on top of that, I’m scared that over-exerciser would start to creep back in if I took extra activity during the week.  And I hate the thought of again making something I like into an exercise chore that I dread.  So this caution and fear, and the fact that I’m LISTENING to it is a positive thing I think…?? 

ED has been putting lots of thoughts in my head about it though, including, “You are just making excuses because you are slothful,” and “If you don’t go out now, you won’t have another chance,” and “You are going too easy on yourself, you are training your mind into laziness!”  When I step back and assess these thoughts, I know the truth.  I’m not lazy.  I AM going easier on myself than in the past.  And yes, I’m training my mind, but training it into balance and health.  When I recover my strength of mind and confidence of body I can make decisions to push myself, but not until the decisions come safely from a place of excited motivation rather than anxious fear.  I went to extremes with my activity, and now I am finding a place of “normalcy.”  I am by no means inactive.  But compared to how I used to train, I’ve taken dialed down big-time, and it is still hard for me to come to terms with it at times.  So here I am coming to terms with a piece of it I guess.  Sometimes it feels silly that I have to think so much about what I’m thinking about.        

I hope that wasn’t an overly downbeat update, but I feel like a lot of encouraging and constructive thoughts came out of the issues I’ve had this week, so that is POSITIVE.  Speaking of which…

My second positivity giveaway ended last night…and I’m going to double the positivity!  The randomizer chose Missy and Paul as the first recipients of my “Push it Forward” positivity giveaway.  However, since Missy and Paul already live in Minnesota…I felt weird about giving them a “Love from Minnesota” care package.  So instead, they will receive a gift certificate to my favorite local natural grocery and health store, Simple Abundance.  Here is what Missy and Paul did to push positivity on others:

“We awoke to close to a foot of snow on the ground this morning. It was very beautiful and there was a lot of it! So my husband and I decided to shovel pathways to all of our neighbors’ cars. Well, he started shoveling and after he had shoveled pathways to all of the cars, I decided to shovel a pathway for the mailman! Our street is a snow emergency route, so no one can park on the streets, meaning people don’t shovel the sidewalk in front of their homes (since they don’t need to use them), so I decided to shovel the entire sidewalk and a pathway from the sidewalk to our home! My husband, the amazing guy that he is, also shoveled off all of our neighbor’s cars and scraped their windshields for them.  It all took a long time and it was quite chilly, but we both felt good about doing it. Plus we got to play in the snow! I love living in Minnesota!”  

Now that is a labor of love!  So what to do with my MN gift package?  Randomize!  The positive recipient is Betherann.  Email me with your address girl!  Here is how Betherann shared positivity:

“Yesterday, the bagger at the grocery store (a girl roughly my age) asked if she could help me out. Usually I wave off the offer, but this time she persisted, saying she was going out anyway. I took her up on it! This sounds like a weird act of kindness, but for me it was big. I like to live in a little bubble without much uncomfortable contact with others, so I felt like God was giving this tiny opportunity to practice love and community. And guess what? Even though it was weird and a bit awkward, it was nice, too. I got to know this other person just a little bit more, and for that I am so glad.”

Thanks for bringing some light into this girl’s life, and hopefully your own too. 

So double the positivity, and double the fun!  Thursday I had double portrait sittings.  Here are a few more of my faves from the day.  Mason and Rylan are my dear nephews and godsons.  Emma is actually one of their cousins on my brother-in-law’s side.  Family overload!

E for Emma!

This baby is 99.9% happy.

This image brings me to tears. So innocent and perfect.

And, some random eats.  No pictures of my delcious gluten-free oat bran—I could care less about snapping pics…I just want to eat it!  But here’s a non-gluten free bowl I made for Nathan.   

Pumpkin pie porridge

This is a bowl of amaranth.  I tried it.  3 times.  I don’t really like it.  And I’m not sorry.

Amaranth with cranberry and pumpkin

Here is a chicken breast with wild rice, Brussel’s sprouts, cranberries, and onion.  I used a poultry seasoning and mixed it all with some Imagine Foods Roasted Turkey Gravy (gluten-free!!)

Chicken with veggies and wild rice

This was a yummy soup, but kindof bothered me.  I think curry is out.  I read after the fact that curry powder can upset gluten-intolerance.  It is a strong spice anyways, so maybe it just upsets in general.  But the tastebuds were happy at least…give this one a try!  Adapted from a Taste of Home recipe.

Chicken Chickpea Stew

Curried Chicken and Chickpea Stew  (serves 4-6)

8 oz boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into 2” pieces
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 T curry powder
½ tsp salt
1 stalk dried lemongrass
1 large onion, sliced thin (6 oz)
1 large red bell pepper, cut into 2” pieces (4 oz)
2 medium zucchini, sliced into ½ inch rounds (8 oz)
15 oz can diced tomatoes, undrained
15 oz can chickpeas, undrained

1. Spray treat a medium slow cooker with non-stick cooking spray.  Combine chicken, curry powder, garlic, and salt in slow cooker.
2. Layer sliced onions, bell pepper, zucchini, and lemongrass on top of chicken.  Pour tomatoes over. 
3. Cover and cook on low for 3-5 hours (depending on how slow your crock pot cooks!)
4. During the last hour, stir in chickpeas.
5. Serve over cooked couscous, or if gluten-free…just serve! 

Do you like amaranth?  What is your favorite winter activity? 

Wow what a loooong day.  But rewarding!  Since I can’t take pictures of my digestive tract, I’ll just describe that it still SUCKS.  Last week I was moving into bowel blockage, then suddenly the tables turned and this week is, well, the farther end of “opposite of blockage.”  TMI?  Probably, but part of the process.  This is pretty typical of my body cycle.  No apparent pattern of extremes.  This week also, instead of burning, I’m experiencing harsh and sharp pains and cramps.  Woo!  Woo.  Oh, forget it.  I’m hating food and I’m hating the gluten-free restrictions right now.  I just want a piece of toast, and I’m not going to pretend that gluten-free tapioca bread tastes good.  Barf!  Ok enough complaining.  (Positivity is so turned on in me anymore that sharing this stuff makes me roll my eyes!  But still it is part of the recovery process and I think important to share if I’m going to put my story out there.)  

On to the pleasant!  Today I was graced with a 5 month old, a 4 year old, and a 3 year old in the studio.  Massive cuteness overload was had by all when Mason and Rylan were in for their holiday portraits, and later big brown eyed Emma for her 3 year portrait.  I often joke that I have the best job because I get to see the best smiles of so many wonderful children for a few hours, and then…they go home and I have peace!  But honestly, sometimes I wish they would stay.   And then I joke that I have the only job where it is deemed acceptable to bribe children!  But then I get sad because these kids like me only because I’m giving them treats.  These kids smile for me, but they run to their mommy’s arms.  It is always bittersweet.  Little Emma however was full of hugs for me today, which was so warming!  Anyways, cuteness commences:

Rylan, 5 months

Heart=melted.

Little princess!

Baby browns.

 This finally came.

Gluten free oat bran!

Welcome back, friend.

And a beautiful uplifting note from a special friend.  It came un-signed in the mail…but I’ve gotta hunch about a certain God loving, friend encouraging, soul inspiring, strength inducing, crazy Clare understanding yogini.  I am so beyond blessed!  This girls presence just SCREAMS Jesus and I love to soak it up!  Thank you friend.

Should I make this into a Christmas ornament?

Hopefully after this long workday I’ll soon have some Jesus time by the fire and our tiny Christmas tree.

Minus degrees outside? Check. Fake fireplace on? Check!

Hope you had a nice Thursday…don’t forget to push some positive for my giveaway that ends Saturday!

Lissa at Tales of a (Recovering) Disordered Eater recently shared a list of eating disorder myths.  I just wanted to re-share number 8.  It is one I most wish people would understand about me.

8. The eating disordered only care about looking pretty.  One of the nastiest, most degrading stigmas associated with eating disorders involves taunts and callous dismissals of its victims as shallow, petty bubbleheads concerned only with the pursuit of the insanely specific and unrealistic Hollywood ideal of what constitutes beauty. This blasts a giant and entirely unnecessary rift between the eating disordered and mainstream society, furthering miring them in misunderstood isolation and precluding attempts to seek solace and treatment before it becomes too late. Faced with adversity and scorn from external sources, many choose to simply soldier forth and accept their cruel, anxious fate, believing that even extensive psychotherapy cannot cure them. At their very core, eating disorders are not inherently about food or appearance or beauty. They are about depression, poor self-esteem and self-image, and anxiety. While media blitzes of PhotoShopped celebrities do, in fact, actively help reinforce the issue, they also do not stand as the primary reason why men and women alike succumb to eating disorders.

Nobody calls out an over-eating disorder as vanity.  An under-eating disorder is just a different manifestation of the same mess inside.  Just food for thought!  (Ok, that’s me trying to be positive with a HORRIBLE pun.)   

What do you wish you could help people understand about YOU?